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N.I.H. Releases Controversial Report on Role of Dorks WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Researchers from the National Institute of Health (N.I.H.) made public several surprising findings from a report on the nation's dorks. Based on a survey of nearly 2,500 teenagers and adults from around the country, the report differs from past findings by asserting that dorks are essentially lovable and 'highly likely' to reproduce. "I was really pleased to hear that my son will probably carry on the family name," said Laura Caruso of Urbana, IL, whose 17-year-old son Albert is a high school senior and National Merit Finalist. "He does spend so much time playing video games." "I am not 'playing video games,'" said Albert bitterly. "I'm administering a multi-user dungeon -- with about 40 players from around the country, I might add. There's a big difference." The report runs counter to remarks made in 1982 by then-Secretary of State Alexander Haig, who argued forcefully that dork recidivists should be sent to military school, "to make men where before there were none." The hardline approach to the phenomenon has since been taken up by a small but vocal group of scholars known loosely as the Haig School. The debate between these writers and those with a more permissive, open-minded approach has come to dominate the nascent field of dork studies. "We think that this report convincingly refutes a lot of the claims made by members of the Haig School," said N.I.H. researcher Walter Cronenberg. "In addition to the logistical difficulties of 'making men' out of a group of people that includes so many women, we found that many dorks are quite well-disciplined and focused. I was amazed at how many of our nation's young people have written their own operating system." The survey found that while "straight" teens tended to engage in conventional extracurricular activities such as afterschool sports and student government, dorks held to more idiosyncratic pursuits. 62% were involved in reading, while 45% cited "unlimite d amounts of sugar cereal" as their ultimate fantasy. The categories of "marathon sex" and "intoxication," overwhelmingly popular among non-dorks, found just 3% acceptance among dorks, although drinking did show increased popularity among older, chronica lly rejected respondents. "We as a society need to welcome dorks wholeheartedly back into the fabric of American life," Cronenberg said. "We need to tell them that they are respected and welcome in our society, just as long as they don't tell any of their lame jokes." Interviewed at the annual Georgetown Rennaissance Fair, Bryn Mawr theater major and dork Shelby Lerner was indifferent to the findings. "I've got a lute, 3 chords, and the truth," she said. "Why should I worry about the vagaries of social status?" Lerner also described the report as "smurfy" and "wankin' fresh."