Other News


Osborne Concedes God Probably Not One Of Us



Mr. Goodbar Found, Eaten



Feral Cats Plagued By Low Self-Esteem, Dogs
New York Banker Works 25 Hour Day

MANHATTAN -- Researchers at Princeton University's Tokamok particle accelerator succeeded Tuesday night in ripping the fabric of the space-time continuum, allowing Merrill Lynch analyst Jason Corliss, 31, to complete a 25th hour of work within a single 24 hour period. The extra hour allowed Corliss to meet a 12 A.M. deadline to file S.E.C. documents for the highly-anticipated Sweetcaddy.com I.P.O., making the new stock available a day earlier than expected. Sweetcaddy.com, owned by a Fairfax, Va software company of the same name, allows consumers to purchase new and pre-owned Cadillacs over the Internet.

"He did it!" said Angela Gasse, an analyst for Forrester Research who has been tracking the work schedule of Corliss and two other young associates at prestigious New York banks. Charles Cramer, 24, of Salomon Brothers, and Ivan Asquelier, 28, a former gymnast for the Romanian national team, of Dean Witter Morgan Stanley, had been vying with Corliss to be the first to defy the laws of physics and squeeze an extra hour into a single calendar day.

In preparation for the Princeton experiment, all three of the young partner-track aspirants have been pushing their limits in recent weeks, with Cramer and Asquelier routinely working 23 hour days and sleeping both of their off-hours away beneath office desks. Corliss took an even riskier approach, permitting himself only .5 hours of rest every other day, powering through the ensuing seizures, bouts of schizophrenia, and nervous breakdowns with his "road warrior" diet of free-range chickens and wheatgrass juice.

At approximately 11:30 P.M. E.S.T. Tuesday night, after recognizing that he would not be able to meet the S.E.C.'s electronic filing deadline, Corliss signaled to one of his attending temps to disconnect the caffeine IV drip and place the go-ahead call to the team of researchers at the Tokamok facility.

Professors Thomas Chu and Hans Stormer of Princeton activated the particle accelerator, which via satellite uplink generated a time portal shaped like a fluorescent green door inside the spartan Merrill Lynch offices. Stripped naked except for his laptop, Corliss leapt through the portal into the 4th dimension, where he encountered a wisecracking magic elf who subjected him to a barrage of word problems, movie trivia questions, and a test of physical strength. Asquelier had twice attempted and failed the tests.

Having met these challenges, Corliss was at last permitted to continue working. After completing the final 14 pages of the S.E.C. report, he began convulsing and lost consciousness.

He awoke on his office floor surrounded by the concerned but supportive Merrill Lynch management team.

"Sleep has been my mortal enemy," a beaming Corliss said at an early-morning press conference yesterday, surrounded by a cheering crowd of friends, colleagues, and obsequious pseudo-intellectual futurists from Wired. "But now that we know that we can continue the business day even beyond the bounds of time itself, we have only one choice: to work harder than ever."

Sweetcaddy.com now has a market cap of nearly a billion dollars on 1998 losses of $7.6 million.