LAS VEGAS, NV-- Hoping to draw attention
to a Democratic presidential race that has lost
visibility among voters in recent weeks, presidential hopefuls Al
Gore and Bill Bradley announced today that they
will engage in hand-to-hand combat with
futuristic lightsaber/telephones at Caesar's
Palace on March 6. The battle is intended to counter the perception that Democrats are soft on
defense, and also tap into the growing national
interest in bloodsport."There's
been some talk about Buddhist temples in this
campaign," Gore said in an interview from
his training facility in the Dagobah system.
"I suggest that Bill Bradley learn more
about Buddhism real quick, because on March 6, he's
going to need to know how to transcend pain."
"My only regret is that
the duel is on a Monday," Bradley said during his daily press conference.
"I usually like to take out the garbage on
Thursdays."
Besides providing a public forum for devastating verbal repartee,
the battle is also an
opportunity for the two former senators to
showcase their longtime advocacy of the Pentagon's
Imagineer America program,
a $45.9 billion defense conversion initiative to engineer weapons that originally appeared in
much-loved
science-fiction movies. The program has led to the creation of such weapons as
the interspace Photon Torpedo and a full-size replica of the Battlestar Galactica,
in addition to
the lightsaber prototype that the candidates will use in the duel.
The "Bright Ideas" lightsaber, a joint venture between General Electric and MCI, is a
colorful energy blade that also contains "all-in-one" wireless voice and
pager capacity. Bradley, who studied Jedi magic as a Rhodes scholar at
Oxford, has pushed for consumer
protection legislation mandating that the
blades be deactivated for the telecommunications
functions to work.
"We cannot afford to have an America where the leaders
of tomorrow risk cutting off
their ears just because they need to take a call," Bradley said.
While the fight is not to the
death and victory will be declared when one man
disarms the other, the risks of engaging in life-threatening
combat on the eve of Super Tuesday has raised
some eyebrows among pundits.
"The lightsaber thing
really could backfire, even for the victor,"
said political analyst Kevin Phillips on CBS
Sunday Morning. "If Gore beheads
Bradley, for instance, or even just chops of his
hand, it could really turn off the suburban swing
voters who like to think of him as a sensitive
Dad type."
Republican reaction to the
announcement was mixed. Bush spokesman Pat
Robertson called the event "idolatrous,"
while Senator John McCain expressed interest in
participating in future duels. Were he to engage
in hand-to-hand combat with an opponent, McCain
said, he would not need a lightsaber, and would
instead focus on "head butting anything that
moves."
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