Honolulu--Tantalized by the images of easy money and sex so seemingly
ubiquitous in our culture, the New York area soul-jazz ensemble known as
The Ex Caminos announced plans to sell out at a crowded press conference
in the Waikiki Hyatt and Golf Club yesterday. Group spokesman Ken Thomson
announced that the group will move away from its jazz-influenced
instrumental tunes, and will begin playing the glam-tinged rock of 80's
supergroups like Journey and Aerosmith.
The X-Kaminos, as the band will now be known, will be joined by guitar
pyrotechnician Yngwie Malmsteen. Malmsteen will help ease the group into
its new hard-rockin' format, Thomson said.
"I just respect Journey's work so much," said X-Kaminos guitarist Brett
Forman, who Thomson said will be genetically re-engineered into a
flaxen-haired Swedish teenager named Scotti. "When I was 14, 'Wheel in
the Sky' was really the most important thing in my life."
Asked if he had only been broken by commercial considerations only after
heroically withstanding hardship and rejection for his art, Forman said,
"We, as a band, just want to get our own van. Is that such a crime?"
Stocks rallied on news of the X-Kaminos sellout, which many analysts had
long sought in order to boost sales of the band's new CD "Unamerican
Activities."
"I'm glad they're finally selling out," said analyst Albert LaFazzaro of
Morgan Stanley. "I remember when I heard that the band had lined up a gig
at the P.S. 316 street fair, I predicted that they'd move literally
thousands of units. Imagine my disappointment when they only sold six.
That was when I decided to put my money back into carcinogens."
The move was also applauded outside of Wall Street, as several observers
questioned the distinction between "art" and "trash" that Thomson made at
the news conference. Postmodern literary critic Jacques Derrida said, "It
is questionable whether the so-called serious artist is any less motivated
by the desire for power and sexual priveliges than the artistic mercenary.
It's just that serious art is a lot more boring. Actually, I hate all
art," Derrida added.
Some members of the band's loyal cadre of fans gathered outside of the
press conference expressed their sadness and sense of loss that the band
had chosen to take the easy path to short-term financial success without
regard for the destructive effects on the artistic conscience selling out
often has in the longer term.
"I thought The Ex Caminos would never sell out," said longtime fan and
Columbia student Jenifer Roberts, 19. "But I guess I was wrong. They're
no better than Rod Stewart, or my parents."
"My mind is already gone," said X-Kaminos saxophonist Andrew Rosenblum.
When told of the disapproval of fans like Roberts, he expressed
indifference. "Yngwie Malmsteen rules," Rosenblum said.
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