"We thought that if we could just break through the mistrust and misunderstanding and start dialoguing with people, it would help solve a lot of problems," said U.S. Trade Representative Charlene Barshefsky. "And coitus is such a great way to get to know someone."

President Clinton will not actively participate in the new policy, and so duties will fall largely to Treasury Secretary Robert M. Rubin.

"Bob hasn't had time to get laid since '85, so we thought it'd be kind of funny," Barshefsky said. "We figured some fine proletarian ass is just what he needed to get his mind off the market."

"Normally, I wouldn't become involved in such a tawdry scheme, but this is for my career," Rubin said.

Reaction around the world was mixed but generally favorable, particularly among those nations long denied MFN status due to repressive political climates or a record of human rights abuses.

"We will phreak you," announced Cuban president Fidel Castro, whose economically troubled country has long been hampered by a U.S. trade embargo. "Just think about what I can do with this beard."

Libyan prime minister Moamar Qadafi also expressed interest in the new policy, but only on the condition that Rubin cover his face and arms in public.

North Korea remained implacable, however. "It starts with just a little lovemaking," grumbled premier Kim Jong Il. "And it ends with a McDonald's on every street corner. Besides, who needs sex when you have such a beautiful fleet of tanks?" In a surprising comment, Kim did admit that former North Korean leader Kim Il Sung and President Bush had gotten to second base "a few times."

Columnist George Will, long considered an expert on both sex and politics, praised the new approach to MFN status. "I'm crazy about this new openness," Will wrote in the Washington Post. "Once two people get over, it's just real hard to have an intense animosity, at least until you move in together - that's a whole different ballgame."

"This is the ultimate extension of the policy of detente," Barshefsky said exuberantly. "I believe that Henry Kissinger, were he alive today, would embrace this new era of openness with vigor and enthusiasm."

"This new policy is outrageous," said Kissinger, after delivering a keynote address at the Georgetown University Faculty House. "We don't have sex with communists."

Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973 for his diplomatic efforts in Southeast Asia. He has also received an Oscar for his screenplay "Cannonball Run II", a Prix de Paris for lauching the career of singer/songwriter John Tesh, and a lifetime achievement award from the ASPCA after he was secretly videotaped kicking a dog.