"We can no longer tolerate this menace to our community," said Mayor McCheese during his speech at a $10,000-a-Valu-Meal fundraising dinner. "The time for clemency is past. The time for hard time is now."

The Hamburglar offered no public comment, as his lawyers have advised him to avoid speaking to the media this week. "He just wants to thank all his fans and to let them know how much he cares for them, and that they should send him as many hamburgers as possible," said defense attorney Rebecca Sandberg.

Sandberg faces a tall order in her defense effort, as video footage clearly shows The Hamburglar entering the McDonald's, shouting and brandishing his weapon, and then departing carrying a pyramidal stack of hamburgers on a large platter. After exiting the restaurant, he allegedly drove off at high speeds until running his 1978 Dodge Dart into a shallow ditch. After a brief stand-off, The Hamburglar surrendered to police, who found 2 empty 40 ounce beer containers in his back seat. His blood alcohol level was .34.

According to several reports, The Hamburglar first began to steal at an early age, shortly after joining the McDonald's "Dream Team," a powerhouse stable of television commercial stars which at that time included such popular figures as Ronald McDonald, Birdie the Early Bird, the Professor, and Grimace. The Hamburglar seemed to be a natural fit with the witty but straight-laced group, a man whose pranks and idiosyncratic speaking style fired consumer demand almost as much as did Ronald's folksy intelligence. His impish smile and thievery were irresistible to everyone who met him, either in person or through television. After a year of working together on the set, The Hamburglar and Birdie The Early Bird began a tumultuous romance.

"We were like two adolescent children, linked only by our passion," Birdie recalls. "We weren't even the same species."

The couple tried unsuccessfully for several months to have a child until coming to the cruel realization that they lack reproductive organs. Even outside this heartbreak in his personal life, a pervasive sense of gloom and melancholy continued to haunt the 4'8" man.

"I remember one night, he suddenly said, 'Can't keep up with life, and can't keep up with career.' Then he stormed out," Birdie said tearfully. "It was the only time I ever heard him use a compound sentence."

"The Hamburglar was raised in a culture of poverty," said UCLA political scientist James Q. Wilson. "Ever since he was a child he's been taught that his intense love of hamburgers and cheeseburgers would excuse any kind of behavior, since Ronald would be there to stop him. But what we're finding out now is that Ronald isn't always there."

Ronald, who is currently not there, could not be reached for comment, as he is testifying against a group of dangerous radicals who claim that McDonald's food is unhealthy.

With the exception of the ubiquitous Ronald, the years have not been kind to the "Dream Team." The Professor, a medievalist, was denied tenure and has been reduced to teaching freshman composition at a handful of community colleges across the Southwest. He could not be reached for comment for this article.

Grimace, who like 10% of all Americans got his first job at McDonald's, similarly saw his career take a swan dive after leaving the company. After starring in the 1991 adult film "Orgy and Bess," he was unable to find work.

"I was starving. After years as a symbol of enthusiastic, empty-headed American gluttony, I couldn't make enough to put food on the table. All my fur fell out." Yet despite his own financial difficulties, the trimmed-down Grimace, who now bounces at an Oakland nightclub, evinces little sympathy for his troubled colleague.

"No matter how bad things got for me, I never broke the law. There's always jobs available, it was just me that couldn't find one. Stealing is just taking the easy way out. "

UCLA's Wilson agrees, with near religious fervor. "There's a very complex relationship between nature and nurture," Wilson said. "It's so complex I have no idea what it is."

The Hamburglar, named after the 17th century Dutch explorer Jens von Hamburglaar, is protean, a man whose characteristics and very character seem to mutate depending on the perspective of the person describing him. Even to people who know him well, The Hamburglar is an enigmatic figure, a man so talented he would seem to have the world at his feet, yet who also is strangely limited, even stunted.

"I think it's partially his vocabulary," suggests McCheese. "He doesn't know but 15-20 words, all of them related to food."

"He's just insensitive, only thinking about himself," counters Grimace. "I remember the night Mr. Kroc passed, Ronald was really broken up," he said, referring to the death of the beloved McDonald's founder. "Ronald was shattered, really. So we all gathered around to console him. And all The Hamburglar could think of to say is 'Give chicken filet. Filet crispy.' It was totally inappropriate."