Tropoja - Responding to impassioned calls for action after continued
incidents of political violence and the threat of civil war in Albania, the
U.N. Security Council and NBC agreed in principle yesterday to send a
massive Must-See TV aid package to the beleaguered country. The weekly
satellite broadcast is set to begin this week, and will include all
programs that absolutely must be seen, such as "Friends" and "Seinfeld," as
well as less urgent but still essential favorites such as "Veronica's
Closet," and "Union Square."
Plagued by organized crime, violence, and industrial decay since the
collapse of the Soviet Union, the Albanians have continued to live without
access to the quality situation comedies that have formed the spiritual
bedrock of healthy democracies since the time of Periclean Athens.
"The republic of Albania is eternally grateful to the U.N. member countries
and NBC for this desperately needed dose of side-splitting programs," said
Albanian Prime Minister-designate Fatos Nano. "I only hope that they work
their tranquilizing magic quickly enough to ward off the seemingly
boundless spiral of revenge and gangsterism that has engulfed the myriad
factions of my country."
This aid package is part of a larger modernizing effort that the
up-and-coming economist Nano calls the "re-branding" of Albania. His goal
is to create new consumer awareness and appreciation of Albania, despite a
fifty-year legacy of repressive Stalinism.
He could face a difficult road. A December Time/NBC News poll found that
most Americans who had actually heard of Albania believed that it was in
France, and tended to associate it with random murder and labor camps.
"We're trying to be a more image-conscious nation," said Nano, who holds a
Ph.D. in the history of business from the Wharton School. "We want to be
seen as hip and creative, yet also wise and a little world-weary."
News of the aid package met with cautious optimism from the many Albanian
citizens who promise to benefit from the new spate of programming changes.
"As I sit here suffering the effects of mercury poisoning from the
abandoned metallurgical plant upriver, I can't help but wonder what Jerry
and the gang will do next," said Glaros Noxmin, an unemployed Gheg laborer.
"Perhaps they will experience massive hair loss and sterility."
"I can't tell you what an improvement "Seinfeld" is over the comedies to
which we were subjected under Hoxha," said Neritan Ceka, a prominent
Albanian archaelogist and intellectual. "I think back to the days of
'Happy Bauxite Worker' and 'Funny Little Collective Girl' and shudder."
Beyond the question of whether or not Albania will be able to avoid total
societal collapse after the bruising elections of last summer, Nano must
also come to terms with the reality that 1998 will be the final year of
production for "Seinfeld."
"What will people do at night next fall? Perhaps they will shoot their
neighbors in the streets," Nano speculates.
Many at NBC also share a similarly pessimistic attitude toward the future.
"We're all entering a period of uncertainty," said NBC executive Don
Ohlmayer. "NBC must strive to define what Must-See TV is as Jerry enters
his final season, while the Albanians must embrace the challenges presented
by total societal collapse and civil war. One thing is for certain:
Thursday night will never be the same."
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