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In a Bid for Balance, Rove Joins the Cast of Sesame Street
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Queens, NY-- Answering widespread criticism that America's most famous \
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educational television show lacks a pro-Bush ideologue, Sesame Street \
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will add White House strategist Karl Rove as a permanent cast member in new broadcasts beginning in the fall. From an office on Sesame Street above Alan's candy store, \
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Mr. Rove will promote the same moral values which resonated so deeply \
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in the re-election of President Bush, such as punctuality, obedience, \
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and the importance of bunker-busting nuclear weapons. \
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"This isn't quite where I thought the show would end up when we \
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started back in 1969," said longtime cast member Bob McGrath. "Then \
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again, I never thought we'd end up with a president who makes Nixon look \
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like a cautious, responsible leader." \
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Unlike the other human characters on the show, who dress casually and \
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are on a first-name basis with the children and puppets, Mr. \
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Rove's wardrobe will be strictly Brooks Brothers and he will be known \
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as "Mr. Rove." He hopes to "change the tone" of a \
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program that he claims shortchanges the importance of economic growth. \
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"One of the problems with Sesame Street is that the human characters \
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don't have the kinds of jobs that are going to make these kids any money," \
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Mr. Rove said in a phone interview on Friday. "A music teacher? A \
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librarian? Gina taking time off to get a Ph.D? What in the hell is that?" \
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In one already completed episode, Mr. Rove takes Big Bird and several \
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children to play golf with lobbyist Jack Abramoff . In another, he invites \
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his friend Laura Bush to talk about how constant criticism from the news \
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media makes the president sad because it hurts America. \
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Mr. Rove's tenure on the show has already stirred controversy. Sensitive \
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about his weight, the strategist was reportedly angered when a 7-year-old \
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Texas boy named Larry Harris drew a picture of Rove with his body in shape \
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of a birthday cake. \
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"Mr. Rove loves cake so much he is one!" Harris explains in \
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an on-air segment as he displays the drawing to a visibly-excited Cookie \
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Monster. \
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According to anonymous sources, Mr. Rove retaliated by orchestrating \
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a whisper campaign asserting that the young boy was a bed-wetter. Taunted \
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mercilessly by the other children and by Mr. Rove, Larry quit the program \
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in humiliation before shooting on his segment could be completed. \
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"Larry had some problems right after we moved in '03, but he hadn't \
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peed in bed in over a year and a half," the boy's mother Yolanda \
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Harris says. "Now he cries himself to sleep each night and 'the problem' \
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is occurring about three times a week. Mr. Rove should have do my laundry." \
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"To take the perceived strength of an enemy and turn it into a weakness \
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is classic Rove," said G.O.P. pollster Frank Luntz. "That kid \
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will be a laughingstock for years, but he's learned a valuable lesson \
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-- about what it takes to be a winner."
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